How to Support Students During Difficult Conversations
When a student shares concerns or shows signs of distress, your response in that moment can shape whether they feel heard, supported, and willing to seek help (Carrell and Kurlaender 2023). You are not expected to solve the problem or provide counseling. Instead, your role is to remain present, listen with care, and help the student clarify what they are experiencing and what support might be helpful.
Effective responses focus on connection first and problem-solving second. The goal is to create a brief, supportive conversation that helps students feel understood and consider next steps within your role.
Conversation Quick Support Guide:
In a Supportive Conversation:
- Listen first
- Ask open-ended questions
- Validate the student’s experience
- Explore possible options together
- Identify a manageable next step
Students often take emotional cues from the adults around them. Responding with steadiness, patience, and empathy helps de-escalate anxiety and builds trust.
Helpful approaches include:
- Thanking the student for sharing
- Acknowledging their feelings without judgment
- Maintaining a respectful, unrushed tone
- Avoiding expressions of shock, frustration, or disbelief
Examples:
- “I’m really glad you came to talk with me about this.”
- “That sounds like a lot to be carrying right now.”
- “I appreciate you trusting me with this.”
Your calm presence communicates safety and reduces stigma around asking for help.
Supportive conversations work best when they focus on:
- Understanding the student’s perspective
- Identifying barriers they are experiencing
- Exploring realistic next steps together
Rather than directing the student toward a single solution, aim to help them clarify their own priorities and options. This keeps the conversation collaborative rather than authoritative.
These conversations are most effective when students feel they have agency in identifying possible next steps. Think of your role as helping students explore, not prescribing what they must do.
It can be tempting to jump in with solutions or reassurance such as:
- “You’ll be fine.”
- “Just try harder next week.”
- “Here’s what you need to do.”
While well-intentioned, this can unintentionally minimize the student’s experience or shut down meaningful dialogue. Many students are not seeking answers right away, they are seeking understanding. Listening first allows students to feel validated and more ready to engage in problem-solving afterward (Zenger and Folkman 2016).
OARS
One evidence-based way to guide these conversations is through a set of communication skills called OARS, adapted from Motivational Interviewing. These skills are appropriate for faculty and staff in non-clinical roles and help keep conversations student-centered and productive.
OARS stands for:
- O – Open-Ended Questions
- A – Affirmations
- R – Reflections
- S – Summaries
Together, these skills help you listen deeply, validate the student’s experience, and guide the conversation toward next steps without taking over.
O – Open-Ended Questions
Open-ended questions invite students to explain their situation in their own words and reveal what feels most important to them.
Why this matters:
They help identify underlying concerns rather than just surface problems and show
genuine interest in the student’s experience.
Examples:
- “How have things been going for you this semester?”
- “What’s been feeling most stressful lately?”
- “What do you think has made this especially challenging?”
- “What kind of support would be most helpful right now?”
A – Affirmations
Affirmations recognize effort, strengths, and the courage it takes to speak up.
Why this matters:
Students in distress often feel discouraged or unsure of themselves. Affirmations
build confidence and reduce stigma.
Examples:
- “I’m really glad you reached out.”
- “It sounds like you’ve been trying hard to manage a lot at once.”
“That took courage to share.” - “You clearly care about doing well here.”
R – Reflections
Reflections restate or paraphrase what the student has shared to confirm understanding.
Why this matters:
They help students feel heard and slow the conversation down so meaning can emerge
before moving to solutions.
Examples:
- “It sounds like being far from home has made this semester harder than you expected.”
- “You’re feeling overwhelmed and unsure where to start.”
- “You’re worried that asking for help might make things worse.”
S – Summaries
Summaries bring together key points and help transition toward next steps.
Why this matters:
They provide clarity and ensure you and the student share the same understanding of
the situation.
Examples:
- “So what I’m hearing is that you’ve been exhausted, struggling to focus, and feeling isolated.”
- “We talked about connecting with your advisor and exploring The Center for Student Mental Health and Well-Being counseling services. Does one of those feel like a good next step?”
Once the student feels heard and understood, you can gently guide the conversation toward options and resources. This may include:
- Campus support services
- Academic supports
- Personal coping strategies
- Trusted people they might reach out to
Whenever possible, allow the student to choose what feels manageable rather than deciding for them.
Examples:
- “Would you be open to talking about a few support options that students often find helpful?”
- “Which of these feels like a good first step for you?”
In some situations, a brief follow-up can reinforce that the student feels supported and aware of available resources. Follow-up is not intended to create an ongoing responsibility or require continued problem-solving.
Appropriate ways to close the loop include:
- A short check-in conversation or email (e.g., “I wanted to follow up and see how you have been doing since we last spoke.”)
- Reiterating campus resources that were discussed, if relevant.
- Asking general, open-ended questions about how the student is doing, rather than seeking updates on specific actions taken.
- Encouraging continued help-seeking if the student indicates ongoing concerns.
Examples:
- “I wanted to check in and see how things have been going since we last talked.”
“Let me know if you’d like help connecting with any of those resources.”
These brief check-ins communicate care and availability while remaining within the appropriate role of faculty and staff.
Take a moment to consider your own responses in moments of student distress:
- How do you typically react when a student shares challenges or shows signs of stress? Do you tend to jump in with solutions, or do you take time to listen first?
- Are there patterns in your responses that might unintentionally minimize a student’s experience?
- Which OARS skills (Open-Ended Questions, Affirmations, Reflections, Summaries) do you feel most comfortable using? Which might require more practice?
- How can you integrate follow-up into your routine without feeling overextended?
- Think about a recent interaction with a student who seemed stressed or disengaged. How might the conversation have been different if you focused on listening first, validating their experience, and collaborating on next steps?
This section focuses on responding once a supportive conversation with a student is already underway. The following section, How to Start a Supportive Conversation, focuses on strategies for initiating these discussions.
Because this toolkit is designed as a flexible resource, some strategies appear in more than one section. This repetition is intentional and allows each section to stand on its own depending on where readers begin.
Carrell, S., & Kurlaender, M. (2020). My Professor Cares: Experimental Evidence on the Role of Faculty Engagement. https://doi.org/10.3386/w27312
Zenger, J., & Folkman, J. (2016, July 14). What Great Listeners Actually Do. HBR.ORG.