|
| Archives for mtuparent-L (discussion list) Subject: Concerned—New MTU Parents Wed, 27 Aug 2003 I'm a Mother of a Freshman girl. This is my first to go off to college and I live down state which is very hard for me. But, knowing that she is happy and seems to have made many new friends has set me at ease. However, now stress and worry are coming back. My daughter has always been a good student, hard worker, and has not been a typical teenager (which I might add, was wonderful). She has dated but not a lot and is "very" naive. Now, her dorm room has become a hang out place, and because her Calc II class is hard a Junior from her class offered to tutor her. I should be grateful, however, he isn't charging her anything and wants her to come to his "Frat House" to study. Well I'm sure anyone who is reading this will know where my thoughts are and every nerve in my body is screaming "don't do it there" meet him in the common room or Library. Plus, I'm sure I'm not the only parent who's child does not want to be lectured to and will a. either hang up or b. become silent. She is very head strong (didn't get it from me) and seems to be intelligent but we all can go astray. So, if anyone has words of encouragement or help in dealing with this kind of situation. I would greatly appreciate it. C.C. _______ How fortunate that your daughter has such a loving and caring mom. My heart goes out to all of the parents who are coping with the new experience of having their children leave the nest. I was grief-stricken when our son left for Tech. four years ago. My daughter left for Ferris the next year and now they only come home occassionally. I still worry about my daughter and her safety. One of the life lessons parents have to navigate through, is learning to *let go*, avoid worrying and trust of their child's good judgement. It is difficult at times. The biggest thing I can think of is, that these kids know that they are loved and thought of and that they know we will always be there for them, when they need us (Good Lord willing, that is). Your daughter is an MTU student; She has a good head on her shoulders. She will be fine and you will be too!! By the way, it is hard to believe, but my husband and I were glad to have the house back to ourselves, at the end of the summer!! Never thought I'd feel that way :) L.A. _______ I am also a new parent at this and it sounds like I would be thinking the same things as you. I am happy that I have no daughters, for I think that would be much harder. I think she should seek some tutoring from the Math Lab or something as opposed to the junior "free" tutor. My son, Michael, is a brilliant math student (perhaps he is in her class), and would help her if she asked him. Study groups are also an option for her. Let me know if you would like to contact Mike or if she finds him in her class. He is also a little "naive" and I think he is very "safe". If she is not into video games or hockey he does not notice much else. LOL S.G. _______ Hi, I just sent my first born off to school as well. As far as the study concerns, going to a frat house, I too would be concerned, at least for now. I have a daughter in junior year of high school, and the rules ARE different for our daughters. I would send her a packet of how to stay safe information. They had this information at the expo on Sunday, during Orientation. If you did not attend the expo, I am sure that the MTU security office can get you the brochures. They covered a variety of issues, including date rape, and safety checklists while on campus. Let your daughter know that you are concerned for her safety, because you are her mother. (If she balks, tell her its a mothers perogative, and eventually she will understand) Let your daughter know that for safety reasons, especially while she is in the discovery stages of the new friendships, she must give her whereabouts to her roommate (or RA, if she doesn't have a roommate yet) Tell her to use the "buddy system!" for now. And that is a good system for our sons as well. While it is very probable that the frat guy is simply trying to help your daughter adjust, and is a perfectly legitimate offer, use caution at first. Frats do have study groups,but let her know at least in the beggining, better to be safe than sorry, and take a friend with her. After talking with the MTU security officers at the EXPO, I was reassured that life on MTU campus is much better than many other campuses. Although crime numbers are much lower, our children still must take common sense precautions. It is difficult to be such an extensive drive away in an emergency (I am in the Detroit area),but I have been reassured that our kids do have a fantastic support system around them. They simply need to know where to look, or who to ask. Encourage your daughter to ask the RA for advice as well. These people have seen a variety of situations, and can help her make the right decisions. * to the mom worried that her son is distancing himself. Mine has off and on as well. However it started over the summer. I believe its their way of "growing up". By pretending to need us less, they reassure themselves that they are ready for the big step away from us. Keep the communication door open, let them know that as their parent, you will always love them, and be concerned about them. I noticed that my own son swings back and forth on what I am allowed to talk with him about. I have made the effort to not call after dropping him off, and found that he has called me twice. When I happened to meet up on line on the IM, he chatted for a few minutes before he said I was "annoying him". Thats my cue to let him contact me first, for a little while. I am thrilled that he chose MTU, as I do feel its an excellent university, with the "small town" feel to it. Because of this, I have not yet broken down to cry. Although I expected to on the long drive home. We have to! let go, but we can reassure them that we are here, should they need us. K.C _______. My daughter just graduated from MTU and is now in grad school
there. My son just started his freshman year. I can tell you that it really
isn't any easier the second time around. I miss them both very much. However,
my husband and I have been very impressed with how well our daughter grew
in her independence over the past four years and feel that being away
from home has been a positive step in her life. Many parents of kids that
graduated with mine still think I'm crazy to "let them" venture
so far from home (16 hours away), but with e-mail and phone cards, we
keep in touch nearly every day and they really don't seem so far away. L.H. _______
S.G. _______ I am a mother of a freshman, our first to go off to college.
I am hoping I am doing all of the right things by encouraging the tutoring
classes offered, calling and emailing to see how things are going. When
he does call me though(not very often) it's with a concern and I try to
encourage him to seek out the answers from his RA or the instructor. I
am not there so I am not aware of all of the small details involved in
college life/classes. My concern is that when I do try to encourage him
to get things scheduled or get a hold of the job people he gets very upset
with me. In fact hanging up on me a couple of times. I do know what it
takes to be successful there and I would hate to see him fail his first
semester when he is more than capable of flying through the classes with
some help. He has always been a hard worker and a great kid but now I
see a different side of him. Even though I can tell in his voice that
he is doing okay and making a lot of friends there. He has even taken
steps to meet up with some of the students that are sons of our friends
that go there from the information I put into his address book. Also being
very concerned about his Monday lab class that he had missed because the
RA had told his residents that there were no labs the first week. He did
go talk to his instructor and took care of it which I was glad to hear.
I didn't go into detail with him because I didn't want him to get upset.
I just told him I was happy to hear that he took care of the problem on
his own and he was concerned about classes. My biggest fear was that he
was going to think this was one big expensive 4 yr summer camp. Is this
some of the same things that a lot of first year students go through with
their parents. Maybe kind of wanting to break all of the "mothering"
strings with their parents? W.W. _______ Wendy, I have learned through many phone calls and emails, that classes will be attended, labs will be attended, assignments will get done and good grades will follow. This is assuming your son did well in High School, a good foundation of education built on at home will only flourish when alone. Yes there will be upset phone calls, and recognizable sighs, but the more you don't ask over and over again the better the situation will be. They need the space to meet deadlines and appointments all on there own. ( Believe me this is hard) I still call each of my children daily to find out what they had for dinner, and what the weather is like, just chit chat. Then I find they are really willing to expand the conversation and let me in on there world of exams, new friends and maybe there night life!?! I think your doing great, just hang in there. I too miss my kids and wish they were closer so we can continue to mother. A new empty nester, B.P. _______ Sounds fairly typical to me, Wendy, both his behavior and your concerns. Our oldest is going back to her college in Manhattan this coming weekend and Ben (our middle kid) started at MTU last week. In both cases, we coped with quite a bit of "separation" behavior (not wanting our "help," or advice, or to see or experience our concerns) beginning before high school graduation and going, in Ruthy's case, into the end of her first semester. We're helped with the current experience by having seen her come out of the other end of the tunnel second semester :) We couldn't drive up with Ben due to a pre-planned trip we were on, so we are sort of worried about his reception of college life. It helps that it was clearly his decision to go to MTU, despite having the option of engineering school at Michigan in Ann Arbor, where we live. Even though we are going up for the parents' weekend, we don't like the fact that he appears to be constantly watching TV or playing video games when we call. But he finally got a roommate last night and we're fairly confident that will push him into being more social. As far as academics, we're just waiting to see. We can't *make* him study or go to class, but he's always been reliable on his own in the past in that way. He at least listens when I tell him that reading the table of contents and introduction section of a textbook is, to the class, the equivalent of learning the "cheat codes" for a video game! ;-) T.C. _______ From: "Donald S. Williams" <dswillia@mtu.edu> Hey folks, I must say you are a pretty impressive and supportive group of parents! My name is Don Williams and I am the Director of Counseling Services at MTU and the proud parent of two daughters in college (one in Wisconsin the other in Minnesota and two more in H.S.).My wife has suggested she volunteer at move-in time to be a "mother hugger" for mom's of first year student's because it is such an emotional time. She feels this is particularly hard on mother's of first year students (I think it's pretty hard on Dad's too). I think you have covered each other's concerns pretty well but wanted to add just a few things: Regarding safety on campus (and off) , September 23rd, Dial Help and our office will sponsor "get carded day" and will be passing out wallet cards with safety tips for students. We also have a group of trained students, called P.O.W.E.R. that give talks in the residence halls about safety,date rape, drinking and study habits ( and a variety of other topics) and our R.A.'s will talk with their residents about safety issues as well. In addition, if you ever need to discuss your concerns about your son or daughter and aren't sure if the way they are acting as "normal"or not; feel free to call our office and consult with myself or one of our other counselor's. Our services are free and confidential for your student's and we have a good sense of what issues they all face. Remember that you have obviously done a good job to get them this far and that they are all bright and will nearly always make the right decisions or at least be able to recover and learn from their mistakes. Donald S. Williams, ACSW _______ Hi everyone, C.D. _______ I've been reading all the great responses you've received
today. Isn't it great to be able to "share". _______
Our son just started as a freshmen following his sister. While Danielle called all the time, Scott just doesn't get around to it or has forgotten our number. When we do talk with him, he is quite informative about what he is doing and we have a meaningful conversation. While we are concerned, we have raised the children to make
decisions, we only pray they make the correct one's. _______ Greetings to All, Just wanted to let all of you know how MUCH I appreciate this venue to talk, vent, communicate, etc. Your comments have brought laughs, tears, and nods of agreement from me--I have had all of these feelings. Our son is staying in DHH; he is the baby. Our oldest is in the Air Force and son #2 is going to Central Mich. Univ., which is very near to where we live, so he is still at home (for a little while anyway--there is talk of an apt. with his friend, etc...). Let me tell you my little heart-wrenching tale. We couldn't get a hotel room for Sat. night, so Jason and his high-school buddy (who is his roommate) drove up Saturday, and we followed on Sunday (an 8-hour drive for us). We got there and they were busy building their loft and complaining about all the changes, the fire marshal, etc. It was hot in that tiny little dorm room with the two boys and four parents and only a window fan. Finally, things started to progress and it was time for the "family picnic". My husband is disabled and wasn't feeling well, so he went to sit in the van and rest for awhile. My son, his friend, friend's mother, and I all get in line with our little yellow tickets. Friend's mother is going to sit with her brother and sister-in-law, as her nephew also attends MTU. My son was right in front of me one minute, and gone the next. I plucked my diet cola from the iced canoe, turned around, and couldn't find that child anywhere. I searched and roamed the area--all the tables, on the ground--people (families!) were eating together and talking, etc. Here I am, alone--son disappeared, husband sleeping in van. After several minutes (seemed like an hour) of searching, I strolled across the parking lot, got into the van, set down my plate, and bawled like a baby. About an hour (or several minutes) later, here comes son, strolling up to the van with a big smile. He saw me in tears and I just blurted out how I couldn't find him, and this was supposed to be a family picnic, etc. He looks at me with a quizzical look on his face and said, "well, mom, I couldn't find you so I went to eat with my friends". Couldn't find me? I was right behind him in line--how could he not find me??? Then he tells me, gee, there is something going on at six p.m., and then after that is an ice cream social, and then.... We ended up going back to the hotel, where I cried my heart out for two hours. Hubby fell asleep. The next day was the parent orientation--we went to the dorm before the orientation and I saw him for about two minutes because they were off as a group to breakfast and then some other activities. He said he would be tied up all day, and he didn't know when he'd get to see me. As planned, after parent orientation, we headed for home. What a nice good-bye, huh?!! I'm still learning to deal with the (almost) empty-nest. It's very difficult, but I must tell you the good part. Jason has a webcam on his computer, which he has finally hooked up. Yesterday, we talked through instant messenger for over an hour, and the webcam was on, so I got to see that beautiful little face the whole time we talked! I felt so much better, knowing that I can see him when I want, see that he is okay. In the background, I could see his bed and his new sheets and comforter, etc. It was very comforting to me to see my son and his belongings. He seems to be adjusting well so far, making friends, telling me about his new experiences, etc. It took something simple like a webcam to let me see my baby's face to comfort me and set me at ease. I still don't like that he is 8 hours from home, but I'm so proud that he is attending such a good school and is adjusting so well. Go Huskies! S. P.S. I agree on the loft/deck thing. [Loft Discussion] Sure would have been nice to know ahead of time! My son & his roommate were so frustrated they couldn't build the kind of loft unit that they had planned all summer! _______ It seems we have a few things in common. I have a son at
MTU and a son at FSU, just a year behind his brother. This is my first
year as an "empty nester", but I, too am enjoying the quiet
and freedom. Of course, I miss both of the boys but we speak on the phone
often ( I intiate 90% of the calls...) and I'm happy for them and their
choices and proud of them. Enjoy M.H. _______ Your letter raises an important point. Keep talking and asking questions, especially if your student seems to be drifting away. It's healthy for them to put a little emotional distance between you while they sort out where they fit in to the picture but keep communicating anyway. Also, consider, that with all the pressures and new responsibilities they face there's always the possibility they can be truly in depression. Don't take your instincts lightly. If they admit to feeling overwhelmed to the point of not sleeping and eating well or to feeling depressed or no longer caring or enjoying college life don't hesitate to encourage a trip to Student Health Services. Counselors are available and, if necessary, medication. I don't want to be a wet blanket on these exciting first experiences because the large majority of kids won't fit into this category but please don't dismiss the possibility. In the meantime be proud of yourselves, parents!! M.H. _______ Hey just another perspective........ I'm a 40 yr old college senior who just packed off her oldest of 3 ......9 hours away from home. I too cried all the way back to the bridge but not because I was worried but because I was so proud of him and couldn't help wondering where the years went. I'd be a liar if I said I have complete confidence, no doubts and complete trust that he'll be okay but what I do see going on around me daily on a campus even bigger than MTU are many young people far from home who come together, look out for each other, become surrogate family members when necessary, learn from each other and grow socially and in maturity. I take confidence when I look at all of the good things happening on that campus and feel secure that my son too is experiencing these things.--though I do still wonder: "Where the h*** did 18 years go? -I know I haven't aged that much!" : ) B.R. _______ To All - S.G.
He then asked his students whether the jar was full, and they all agreed that it was. Then the professor picked up a bag of marbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly, and the marbles rolled into the open spaces between the golf balls. Again, he asked his students if the jar was full, and again they said that it was. Next, the professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled all the spaces between the marbles and the golf balls. He asked once more if the jar was full, and once more the students responded affirmatively. Then the professor produced two bottles of beer from under the table and emptied them into the jar, filling even the empty spaces between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to think of this jar as representing your life. The golf balls are the important things - your family, your health, your children, your friends - things that if everything else were lost and they alone remained, your life would still be full. The marbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the golf balls or the marbles. The same is true for your life: if you spend all of your time and energy on small stuff, you will never have room for the truly important things. Pay attention to the truly important things - play with your children, take time to get medical checkups, take your wife out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the bathroom or fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, then the marbles; set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised his hand and asked what the beer represented.The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers." _______ Thu, 28 Aug 2003 Just took our oldest up to Tech too! Thought I'd never be
able to say good bye. He had pretty much resigned himself to THE SCENE
I'd cause in the dorm blubbering away. However, my husband and I were
married when he was a junior up there so I spent two full years up there
with him. My husband, the brilliant man that he is...kidnapped me and
we spent Sunday visiting all the places that we use to go. After traveling
up to Copper Harbor and golfing Keweenaw, finding all the little waterfalls,
following Lake Superior back down M-26, finding the apartments and the
little house we rented, eating at the same restaurants, i.e., ambassador,
downtowner, the library, touring campus (I worked in the ME-EM building)
and just reminiscing all I could do was SMILE. There is no place like
TECH! The experiences there will be like none other. All I wanted was
the same for my son. I'm so proud that he is up there. My husband's degree
in Engineering from Tech has given us everything we have ever wanted.
Obviously my son thought so too. If you have any questions for someone
who's been there...done that just let me know. B.B. _______ I drove my son to college, along with my youngest son, while my husband and daughter remained home. The power outage at home forced me to take along my youngest (10 years) When I arrived at my sons room, in Wadsworth on the 16th, I was hesitant to get going on a loft. My son and his roommate had decided to build one, when they contacted each other prior to school starting. I was hesitant because of the cost, and the issue of what do you do with it after the school year ends. When I met up with the roommates parents, I was actually happy to hear that starting next year, our kids couldn't have decks or lofts, due to the major renovations coming in Wads and new fire codes, and therefore the expense was unnecessary. Not sure if the info I recieved was accurate on that, but it saved me a great deal of money, and time building. The room directly across from my son had a deck, and I was amazed to see kids underneath. I looked more at the cave affect, and how I would get closterphobia in one. Never even crossed my mind about fire issues(boy do I feel like a failure now!). I feel my sons room has more than enough storage, and space, still unfilled. And while I think lofts are pretty cool, I for one am glad I didn't have to try to build one. I am not sure if decks and lofts will be outlawed next year, but I for one, am thankful that I didn't have to deal with one. I would like to add a note that this parent net is wonderful. I feel a part of the community, although I am so far from the University. I have had many of the questions as well, and have found the replys very helpful. I used my time at the University (I was there from the 16th through the 18th) to learn more about the services available to my child. I found the EXPO very helpful, and feel that should run a few more times, to catch the kids that didn't participate, and perhaps parents as well, if they are visiting. So far, I am thrilled from the reports that my son has given. We have a family web site, where all of our college kids post in a college life string, and we the parents, aunts, uncles and grandparents can get an update of what our loved ones are experiencing. I am happy to hear my son joined an organization (circle K), has made many new friends, doesn't appear to be struggliing in class (yet, although I do worry about that the most), loves his hockey seats and! is so thrilled about a University that he had doubts about just three weeks prior to arriving, that he says.."mom, I'll be home in 6 years!" He plans on work/study, would like to get on one of the projects such as future truck, and is looking for a variety of ways to enjoy his life at college. He keeps in contact with former classmates, and their college experiences through IMs, and feels he has the best deal going so far. This is a kid that just a few weeks ago said, mom, at the end of the year I am outta there. I'll get terrific grades so I can transfer to UofM or something. I know bumps in the road will come, but to know that my son has done a complete turnaround in attitude, is embracing the very things I said he would love there, but he doubted he would enjoy, I feel as if I did my job. I let my son know on the long drive up, that this was an opportunity of a lifetime, and he should try to enjoy every minute of it. My husband and I did not attend college, so ! for us, this was huge. Not only sending a child to a University, but to one so far was difficult. And yet at every turn, I have had only positives. Financial Aid office was terrific. Our visit three weeks prior to see the campus (my son chose, based on high standards of what was offered, rather than visiting a campus, and deciding) has made my daughter look at Tech as a very real possibility in a couple of years. Every person we have come across has been helpful, and friendly. I love being a part of the Tech family. Thank You! K.C. _______ Boy do we sound alike. I too had a hard time leaving my son so far away (9+ hours). We missed the family picnic because my husband was so exhausted with the long drive and my son was not hungry yet. At the hotel my husband fell asleep at 7:30 and I was left awake wondering and worrying. Then like you said the next day my son's day was very busy and we left with not much of a goodbye (I think it is how he wanted it). But I made it and he is doing well. Hang in there mom. S.G. p.s. does it seem that many of the dads are dealing with this better than the moms??? I know my spouse is and he just tells me to let go (like it is that easy) |
Join ParentNET's discussion list!That's all there is to it! |